What a scary thing.
I feel like Maria is absorbing me. I feel like this part for me to play came at the right time in my life. I feel like now that I have to act this way, I...am.
Maria is so fucking nonchalant. It's amazing. I want to "swing with the changes" like she and her Aunt Chris do.
I hate when she talks about Jared. I just know how she feels. She's disgusted about the fact that she was as deluded as every other pathetic girl at their school. I feel disgusted too. I'm so disgusted with myself.
I'm not going back to who I was in September/October/November. I've gotten past the dwelling stage, I swear. Now I'm simply thinking. But..wow. She copes pretty well. She knows that it is what it is, and there's nothing she can really do about it, so..just go with it.
I wonder if Maria ever wants/ed to go back and tell Jared off. That's something I really wonder about. And I kind of hope she doesn't have so much of the dead feeling inside. Like I've said to Sarah, my relationship with that person was a tumor on my heart. It wasn't part of my heart. He was not in my heart keeping it going. He was just a tumor. Now that's over, the tumor obviously can't grow, but it harmed me for a while. Finally, it's dead, but I feel like I just have a bunch of toxic waste inside me.
And now I'm wondering the street.
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself.
I've been hanging onto nothing when nothing could be worse than hanging on.
And something tells me there must be something better than all this.
What a perfect time for this song to be played. I hate how much I have in my head right now. I just need a BREAK. I can't wait for choir tour next week.
I get time to spend with my favorite thing in the world: Music.
Another random thought. I think this play may help me really let go.
ReplyDeleteI think the last performance, I'm going to feel a sense of release. It's all going to go away. Official closure.
Let's hope this premonition is correct.