This play is seriously crazy. I'm getting in touch with some of the parts of myself that I've stowed away.
How fucking scary is that? I'm sooo much more over my past, but now I'm sadly able to use my past as a personal experience for the show.
Maria is talking about how this guy was using her for sex, then got her pregnant. I mean, that part is not true. But I feel completely used. I was not loved. I was an object. I was not treated like a real human. I was as "deluded as every other pathetic girl in our school".
Tonight my director, Becky, asked me how I felt about the scene. I told her honestly, that I actually felt really good about it. It came more naturally. I told her because it's sadly, more relatable. She told me she could tell that it felt more natural.
What a thing to hear from someone. It's natural for you to sound upset at the person you devoted your heart to in high school? I'm still mad. How horrible is that? Maria hasn't forgiven herself, and neither have I. She's "let it go" more, like her aunt says, but I still let it get to me. How can I not let it go? Hell, Maria could! And she's pregnant! The day after she told him that she was pregnant, he stopped speaking to her, and the week after that, he wasn't in school. She's basically over it, but now that the topic came up with her and Mikey, she's telling him all that happened.
Wow. Tonight, I'm not gonna lie, was a big emotional roller coaster.
This song has considerably calmed me down in the last few minutes.
Take a listen.
I feel kind of sick to my stomach. I feel so..exposed that I'm saying these things to an audience. I know it's not ME, but at the same time..it's me.
I don't know what else to say.
I'm scared.
No comments:
Post a Comment