Onward and UPward

Wow. I can't believe UP is over already..
I feel like we JUST started. I hate this feeling- it's terrible. I feel accomplished as hell, yeah, but..I just want it back. I know Becky made a huge impact on all of us, and I felt sooo connected to the entire cast. I knew Danessa, Jacob, and Shane previously, but I got alot closer to them. I knew JP from choir, but he always saw me in my most cheery moments backstage when I had just done a scene and was flying on happy brain juices. (ew). Someone I will never forget, is Jessica. She's in the graduate program here, and she just decided to jump in with acting so she can make it to film. She's 31 I think, and that is such a great thing for her to do! I mean, she's going for her dream at 31! How courageous is that?! Damn. I hope to be like her some day. She was so sweet all the time, and worked harder than all of us to make sure she did well. And let me tell you, she exceeded my expectations considering she'd never acted before. Wow. She was a stunner.
I just texted Danessa and said I missed her already, and my goodness I do. Before the show, I'd have girl talk with Danessa and Jessica, and that I will never forget. It felt like we were old friends just having regular conversation. I love them both so much.
And you know what?
So much of my life was fucked up before this show, to say the least, and..I may be out of that. I think it's over. I think this experience needed to happen so I could get over some stuff and get over a freshman year bump. I've decided I won't be transferring ever, but waiting til after college to move, adding a theatre minor, and..making some personal decisions. I'm finally in a place where I really don't need anybody else but myself. The fact that I'm so stable right now is just showing me that I can be great when I work really hard. This whole show expresses that. I worked my ass off because I could NOT let anyone down. I think it showed too. The first show, the audience thought I was hilarious, and I savored the sound of their laughter when I was in between lines. I loved that they were sooo into the show. When there were plot twists, they'd react SO big. When Michael burns the chair, someone behind Becky said "Oh god, no!" And when Michael told Maria that he loves her, I heard SO many gasps it was crazy. I loved every minute of that show.

I wish I could go back and do it over and over.
I love the story, I love the characters, I love the feeling.

I love UP.

Dumb.

If you think that talking is always the answer...



it's not.

I'm dumb.
And a hypocrite to myself. Worst kind out there.

Night.

New Eyes

This play has been such an eye opener for me. It's completely changed me. I'm so much better off than before. All the people in it are so..genuine. I've never been with such an amazing group of people. I am so fucking fortunate, I could just cry.

Stupid, stupid Maria has really affected me. I mean, I love her, and I love playing her, don't get me wrong..but the connection is scaring me. So many things are similar with me and her, but the things that aren't, SO aren't. I don't wanna be a spoiler, so I won't..I will when the show is done.
I guess a comparison right now is that Maria's life was sooo hectic, and her stupid past was bringing her down, but the promise of a new baby has enlightened her. It brought it back. I think my "baby" is the show. It brought me back to life. I've finally transformed into mainly who I want to be. [For the time being, that is.] I don't dwell on my past anymore, and I'm so much more confident in myself. I'm worth it. Jessica told me so tonight when we put on our makeup. I'm worth so much more than just a romp in the sack.
God. I love that cast.
I cannot get over it. I'm much closer to them than anyone right now. Even my friends here- I never see them! But special shout out to my lovely Rachel! She and I have become SO close during music theory the last few weeks especially. She is amazing, and I'm sooo happy we're becoming so close. I don't know what I'd do without her.
She's always saying how worried she is about me when I haven't slept, ate, or done anything but rehearse. It is so sweet! I love that girl. I hope she and I are friends for a gooood long time.

Oh, it's official. I'm going to add a theatre minor. Wow. Random thought! Also I may study abroad in the summer. I think that may make sense with all my crazy ass credits now.

Okay, I'm beginning not to make sense anymore. And I'm talking to good ol' Chris. We haven't had a good facebook convo in weeks. Damn busyness. But screw work. I need some ME TIME.

Dopamine

So in my speech today, I talked about music and the brain. Something I said was that the chills that you get when listening to music are actually dopamine levels rising in your brain and body.
This good feeling is similar to that of sex.
I learned senior year in anatomy that eating chocolate gives you more pleasure than a kiss.

Idea.

Music + Chocolate + Sex = Damn Good Time?


I love math.

No Clever Title

What a day. It was all choir related too.
Wow.
I'm feeling pretty "off" today. Things are not in the swing of things.
We drove to Chicago this morning, I saw my sister, and in the middle of my day with her, I got news from an old choir friend back home. Our choir director from high school would be leaving in the fall. I know he's a former choir director, but he seriously changed my life, and so many others. I was choking up all afternoon and then finally called my friend Spencer, and just let it go. I was stupidly crying while pacing back and forth on Navy Pier. I probably shouldn't be this upset, but I don't even care. He completely changed the Northfield High School music department. Our choir is now legendary. A few people from my current choir at Concordia know so much about Mr. Jilek and they're all "You're from Northfield?! Your choir is amazing!" and I was all "Hell yeah!" and now..I'm just sad. I can't believe the legacy will be ending. Unfortunately, I had to have a choir concert tonight. On the bus on the way to the church I was just trying to hold back my tears and compose myself so I wouldn't cry. So that was a bit difficult..and then things got worse.
My current director at CSP is kind of a cheese ball, not in a bad way, but hey, he definitely likes to say some meaningful stuff. So for the last concert at devotions, he says some things about each individual choir member. He went around and said some things to other people, and I was fine, then he got to me. He mentioned my past and where I came from and that it was a great program at NHS. That was just..perfect. I can't believe that was mentioned today of all days. I was going a little out of control in my head. Then he said that I have a beautiful voice and he wishes that he had pulled me into trying out for some solos. Wow. He also mentioned my energy and fun nature. All that combined just made me want to cry. So I did eventually. I couldn't keep it together anymore. My "talent" came from that amazing choir program back home. And now it's different. Poor old Spencer is a senior next year and Jilek won't be there anymore. I can't imagine how I'd feel if he left before I was a senior. Wow.
Wow. Emotional night. I can't even think.

Not today.

"Yeah, boys are idiots."

So here I am, currently in Katie's house in St. Charles, Missouri. I am with my beloved freshman ladies, and lovin' tour so far.
I mean, it's only day 2, but so far so good! Last night I had a great time with Sam at our host family's house. They were a really nice, young family, with the cutest kids. They were soo hospitable and sweet! They gave us a ton of food, and they set us up with the tv before they went to bed. Sam and I enjoyed the nice atmosphere of the homey living room and watched Teen Mom 2 and Jersey Shore. What a good evening.
Today was just driving and eating terrible food. I don't feel great.
But, I'm with great friends tonight and sooo happy for that! Honestly, I'm starting to get nervous for the opening of UP. It's two weeks after I get back. I can imagine Danessa on Thursday when she and I were freaking out. What a day.
Tomorrow we're doing a church service in the morning, then CITY MUSEUM. I'm so excited. I went last year with Northfield Youth Choir [HOLLA OUT TO YOU!] and had a blast. I'm planning on getting some post cards and stuff, because I am not risking my camera. No sir.
So, I think life this week has been pretty good! Things are going actually really well. Some things in my life are changing with some certain people and it's so far just wonderful. :]
The play is stressful, but I just love every single person in that cast. And I love the director. Becky is so sweet and she's an amazing director; I have no doubt that she's going to go far.
Wow. UP is going to change everything. I have no doubt. I talked to Sam about this last night. I don't even remember all what I said, but I'm excited. I'm excited to see myself in a different "place" when the show is all done.

Life right now is just a breath of fresh air.

Nothing Worse Than Sorry

What a scary thing.
I feel like Maria is absorbing me. I feel like this part for me to play came at the right time in my life. I feel like now that I have to act this way, I...am.
Maria is so fucking nonchalant. It's amazing. I want to "swing with the changes" like she and her Aunt Chris do.
I hate when she talks about Jared. I just know how she feels. She's disgusted about the fact that she was as deluded as every other pathetic girl at their school. I feel disgusted too. I'm so disgusted with myself.
I'm not going back to who I was in September/October/November. I've gotten past the dwelling stage, I swear. Now I'm simply thinking. But..wow. She copes pretty well. She knows that it is what it is, and there's nothing she can really do about it, so..just go with it.

I wonder if Maria ever wants/ed to go back and tell Jared off. That's something I really wonder about. And I kind of hope she doesn't have so much of the dead feeling inside. Like I've said to Sarah, my relationship with that person was a tumor on my heart. It wasn't part of my heart. He was not in my heart keeping it going. He was just a tumor. Now that's over, the tumor obviously can't grow, but it harmed me for a while. Finally, it's dead, but I feel like I just have a bunch of toxic waste inside me.


And now I'm wondering the street.
I've been a fool, I've been cruel to myself.
I've been hanging onto nothing when nothing could be worse than hanging on. 
And something tells me there must be something better than all this.


What a perfect time for this song to be played. I hate how much I have in my head right now. I just need a BREAK. I can't wait for choir tour next week.
I get time to spend with my favorite thing in the world: Music.

So What's Your Story?

This play is seriously crazy. I'm getting in touch with some of the parts of myself that I've stowed away.
How fucking scary is that? I'm sooo much more over my past, but now I'm sadly able to use my past as a personal experience for the show.
Maria is talking about how this guy was using her for sex, then got her pregnant. I mean, that part is not true. But I feel completely used. I was not loved. I was an object. I was not treated like a real human. I was as "deluded as every other pathetic girl in our school".
Tonight my director, Becky, asked me how I felt about the scene. I told her honestly, that I actually felt really good about it. It came more naturally. I told her because it's sadly, more relatable. She told me she could tell that it felt more natural.
What a thing to hear from someone. It's natural for you to sound upset at the person you devoted your heart to in high school? I'm still mad. How horrible is that? Maria hasn't forgiven herself, and neither have I. She's "let it go" more, like her aunt says, but I still let it get to me. How can I not let it go? Hell, Maria could! And she's pregnant! The day after she told him that she was pregnant, he stopped speaking to her, and the week after that, he wasn't in school. She's basically over it, but now that the topic came up with her and Mikey, she's telling him all that happened.
Wow. Tonight, I'm not gonna lie, was a big emotional roller coaster.
This song has considerably calmed me down in the last few minutes.
Take a listen.
I feel kind of sick to my stomach. I feel so..exposed that I'm saying these things to an audience. I know it's not ME, but at the same time..it's me.

I don't know what else to say.
I'm scared.