That is how I'm feeling lately. I feel like I'm stuck in this weird period of my life and I just can't get out.
I hate being home this summer, and I just hate being so upset all the freaking time. Yesterday was rough in that regard..all day I was working on homework at Blue Monday which stressed me out a lot, but for some reason I was in such a bad mood that I was on the verge of tears ALL DAY. Some things cheered me up, like talking to Jenn a bit, but then I went home and my parents had eaten my leftovers from Olive Garden. I know that's definitely not a big deal, but it was just inconsiderate and I hadn't eaten all day so I just got crabby and fast. So I went upstairs, then lovely Rachel called me. Thank god. She and I had a lovely half hour conversation and I didn't feel like crying anymore. Then I went to other Rachel's house and hung out with her and Spencer. We watched a horrible Lifetime movie. It was awesome.
Thennn I went home. And told my mom I was taking a car to get dinner with Emily. So I got in the car, got out of the driveway, and just burst into tears. I cried the whole way over blasting Fred Jones Part II..it was very sad. Then I slightly calmed down. But then I obviously looked terrible so when Emily saw me she was like "What's wrong??" And I just said "I am NOT good today" and just fell onto her shoulder and burst into tears. Then I cried for a good five minutes in her doorway and talked to her and her mom a bit. Then Emily and I got McDonalds, which was so disgusting, but I didn't even care. Then Emily and I kept saying "THIS IS MY DICK!" and other weirdly manly things...I don't know. That was a good way to end the awful day. We just laughed for a straight hour until I went home at 1. I think I needed it. I feel like I've had days when I've needed to cry a lot since I've been home, but I just needed to let myself.
So I'm glad I did..but now I'm just kinda realizing that I NEED to go back to school.
Hopefully Open Stage at CSP helps tonight.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Just Take Me Home
I hate being here.
This has been the week of all weeks. I have just been feeling down and blue about being here, and I hate it!! It's such a bummer! I want to be happy, and enjoying my summer, but that just doesn't seem to be happening. And it's not just lack of things to do here- it's lack of people.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and legit say what I'm thinking about "that one person" that isn't here.
Basically, I'm so scared that he's going to come back and not like me anymore. Kate was saying last night about how that's not true, and it's like when you know that there's cake waiting for you at home, and it's been on your mind all day, and you come back and eat it, and it's even better than you imagined.
But..what if it's not? What if he realizes that I'm NOT special, I'm NOT amazing, I'm not someone that he likes more than any other girl he's ever met..he just thinks so because he can't have me. At this rate, I guess I've been able to fool him and myself, but what about when he comes back? He'll be with me, and realize that I'm just..not what he's looking for or something. I'm not..what he was hoping for.
Ugh. What an awful feeling.
This has been the week of all weeks. I have just been feeling down and blue about being here, and I hate it!! It's such a bummer! I want to be happy, and enjoying my summer, but that just doesn't seem to be happening. And it's not just lack of things to do here- it's lack of people.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here, and legit say what I'm thinking about "that one person" that isn't here.
Basically, I'm so scared that he's going to come back and not like me anymore. Kate was saying last night about how that's not true, and it's like when you know that there's cake waiting for you at home, and it's been on your mind all day, and you come back and eat it, and it's even better than you imagined.
But..what if it's not? What if he realizes that I'm NOT special, I'm NOT amazing, I'm not someone that he likes more than any other girl he's ever met..he just thinks so because he can't have me. At this rate, I guess I've been able to fool him and myself, but what about when he comes back? He'll be with me, and realize that I'm just..not what he's looking for or something. I'm not..what he was hoping for.
Ugh. What an awful feeling.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Dreams
Kathy's post about dreams kinda influenced me to do this..
But I think it's a good thing to do.
So, as many of you know, I'm a music education major specializing in vocal music. I'm also a theatre minor. So from there, where do I want to go exactly?
I want to be great. Like, practically "one of the greats". Not quite as great as like, Anton Armstrong from Olaf or Rene Clausen or something, but like..as great as Dwight Jilek. I've talked about that a lot, I know, but it's something that just makes me wanna cry. I want to be great like that. I want to change lives and have people be really scared for me to go. I want to make a huge impact on people musically.
And there are so many people that hear my major and goals, and they're like "I knew you'd be a music teacher." So now, I have expectations to live up to. How terrifying is that??
A super far off dream of mine is to be a musician. Like, a recording artist musician. I think Adele, Regina Spektor, Christina Aguilera, and Ben Folds should make a voice baby and call it Resa. I want to, again, be one of the greats. I don't want to be so annoyingly famous that my tickets cost $80+ and I only play in huge venues like Xcel or something, but I want to be a musician that plays shows, and tours, and all that stuff. But to tell the truth, that scares me. I'm afraid of trying and failing. I don't write my own songs, and that's because I'm pretty damn sure I can't. But I will honestly say that I've never REALLY tried. I think I maybe could be great if I had a lyricist and composer type person..I don't think I have the talent to write that good of material, but I think my voice could do some stuff. I want original material though, so I can see how well I can do.
And with that theatre minor, I kinda wish it could be a major. But I just don't think I have time. Unless I really wanna stay in school forever. Which..I don't know if I do. Atleast I'm getting pretty awesome parts at CSP. That's helping and kind of replacing some classes I feel like I'd have to do that I'm interested in.
I just love performing and making Art. Music is art, the performing is art, theatre is art..I just need more of it. Somehow.
I just wish I was brave enough to go for it somehow. I don't even know how I'd go about that..but I want to be great.
Maybe that's really my only dream. It doesn't necessarily matter what I do out of those things I mentioned, but I want to be great and make a difference.
But I think it's a good thing to do.
So, as many of you know, I'm a music education major specializing in vocal music. I'm also a theatre minor. So from there, where do I want to go exactly?
I want to be great. Like, practically "one of the greats". Not quite as great as like, Anton Armstrong from Olaf or Rene Clausen or something, but like..as great as Dwight Jilek. I've talked about that a lot, I know, but it's something that just makes me wanna cry. I want to be great like that. I want to change lives and have people be really scared for me to go. I want to make a huge impact on people musically.
And there are so many people that hear my major and goals, and they're like "I knew you'd be a music teacher." So now, I have expectations to live up to. How terrifying is that??
A super far off dream of mine is to be a musician. Like, a recording artist musician. I think Adele, Regina Spektor, Christina Aguilera, and Ben Folds should make a voice baby and call it Resa. I want to, again, be one of the greats. I don't want to be so annoyingly famous that my tickets cost $80+ and I only play in huge venues like Xcel or something, but I want to be a musician that plays shows, and tours, and all that stuff. But to tell the truth, that scares me. I'm afraid of trying and failing. I don't write my own songs, and that's because I'm pretty damn sure I can't. But I will honestly say that I've never REALLY tried. I think I maybe could be great if I had a lyricist and composer type person..I don't think I have the talent to write that good of material, but I think my voice could do some stuff. I want original material though, so I can see how well I can do.
And with that theatre minor, I kinda wish it could be a major. But I just don't think I have time. Unless I really wanna stay in school forever. Which..I don't know if I do. Atleast I'm getting pretty awesome parts at CSP. That's helping and kind of replacing some classes I feel like I'd have to do that I'm interested in.
I just love performing and making Art. Music is art, the performing is art, theatre is art..I just need more of it. Somehow.
I just wish I was brave enough to go for it somehow. I don't even know how I'd go about that..but I want to be great.
Maybe that's really my only dream. It doesn't necessarily matter what I do out of those things I mentioned, but I want to be great and make a difference.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Smitten Kitten
That's probably the funniest phrase in human history, and I've been hearing it an awful lot lately, so I thought I'd put it as the title. Hee hee.
So the last two weeks have rocked. The weather has been gorgeous so I've been spending a lot of time outside with some girl friends talking about life. And by life, I mean boys. Seriously. I feel like that's all we talk about. It's like we've reverted back to middle school when all that matters was boys.. [side note, time needs to fricken speed up.]
So last blog post, I said I had boy drama. Well, obviously my life is still dramatic in that field, but that's because I'm a dramatic person. It's gotten simpler. In fact, it never should have been that complex. No no. Tooo much. Now my life is a bit more normal. But then again, how normal will my life really ever be? Yeah, don't answer that.
Hey- friends from CSP reading this..I really miss you guys. Sarah can't even read this because she's at camp, but damn I miss that girl. And of course her unreliability kicked in hardcore once summer began so we NEVER TALKED. Bitch.
Just kidding. She's wonderful. [But unreliable..:D]
I finally caught up with Megan today. I never hear from that little ginger anymore! But it was nice talking to her again.
Speaking of gingers, I also talked to Kathryn! She's also doing summer classes and as she so classily puts it, they are "raping" her. Bahaha. Love it.
And last but certainly not least- Kathy. I've been talking to her alot at the end of my day, and it's so refreshing and..awesome. She's so great to talk to. I've been talking to her about ALL my problems, even though they've been pretty minuscule, but it still makes a world of difference. I love that Kathy is always there for me. We didn't talk as much the last month or so of school because I was so busy, but since talking to her the last few days, it's just reminded me that she's there no matter what. And damn! I am so thankful for that! She is such a genuine person that cares so deeply about all of her friends, which is so fortunate for me. I don't even know what I'd do without her!
Ray Ray V, I miss you like a fat person misses carbs when they're on the Atkins diet. I really want to ramble to you about things. I miss doing that. And I miss our nighttime talks where we'd listen to music and either whine about our lives, or giggle ALOT. I'm excited to get a phone-call from you after you work tonight! I have things to ramble about! :]
Right now I'm just in Blue Monday again. Kind of neglecting homework, but frankly, I just don't care right now. My brain was melted slightly by last night's class session. I just don't care about cells too much. At all. BOO.
I'm just rambling now.
That's enough.
So the last two weeks have rocked. The weather has been gorgeous so I've been spending a lot of time outside with some girl friends talking about life. And by life, I mean boys. Seriously. I feel like that's all we talk about. It's like we've reverted back to middle school when all that matters was boys.. [side note, time needs to fricken speed up.]
So last blog post, I said I had boy drama. Well, obviously my life is still dramatic in that field, but that's because I'm a dramatic person. It's gotten simpler. In fact, it never should have been that complex. No no. Tooo much. Now my life is a bit more normal. But then again, how normal will my life really ever be? Yeah, don't answer that.
Hey- friends from CSP reading this..I really miss you guys. Sarah can't even read this because she's at camp, but damn I miss that girl. And of course her unreliability kicked in hardcore once summer began so we NEVER TALKED. Bitch.
Just kidding. She's wonderful. [But unreliable..:D]
I finally caught up with Megan today. I never hear from that little ginger anymore! But it was nice talking to her again.
Speaking of gingers, I also talked to Kathryn! She's also doing summer classes and as she so classily puts it, they are "raping" her. Bahaha. Love it.
And last but certainly not least- Kathy. I've been talking to her alot at the end of my day, and it's so refreshing and..awesome. She's so great to talk to. I've been talking to her about ALL my problems, even though they've been pretty minuscule, but it still makes a world of difference. I love that Kathy is always there for me. We didn't talk as much the last month or so of school because I was so busy, but since talking to her the last few days, it's just reminded me that she's there no matter what. And damn! I am so thankful for that! She is such a genuine person that cares so deeply about all of her friends, which is so fortunate for me. I don't even know what I'd do without her!
Ray Ray V, I miss you like a fat person misses carbs when they're on the Atkins diet. I really want to ramble to you about things. I miss doing that. And I miss our nighttime talks where we'd listen to music and either whine about our lives, or giggle ALOT. I'm excited to get a phone-call from you after you work tonight! I have things to ramble about! :]
Right now I'm just in Blue Monday again. Kind of neglecting homework, but frankly, I just don't care right now. My brain was melted slightly by last night's class session. I just don't care about cells too much. At all. BOO.
I'm just rambling now.
That's enough.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)